What Do I Do Now?

My son is starting to speak.  He is starting to point and ask for things.  He is telling us what he wants. It was exciting and precious with our first child, but with our third - and last - it feels sad.

Why can't he just look at us and smile?  Or cry?  Why can't he just wander around the house and pick things up and move them from place to place, without narrating the process?  I want to have to guess his needs and what's going on with him.  I don't want him to tell me.  Because, if he tells me, I'll know.  And that will be that.

Why can't he just moan abstractly, and whine?  Why can't he just stare?  Must he vocalize with logical inflection to indicate whether he's telling or asking?  Why doesn't he just fling things in frustration?  Why does he have to try to say our names?  Isn't it enough for him to just have his basic needs fulfilled?  Must he express himself to the closest shade of meaning he can manage?  Why?

I know why.  He's like me.  He wants to tell me stuff.  He wants to ask me.  He needs to communicate.

Now he's like me.  So, tell me - What do I do now?

While They Lay Sleeping...

Look at the face of your sleeping child and marvel at how much you love this precious thing. Why do we ache with love for them - particularly when they're asleep?

I may have been clenching my teeth and reprimanding her for gathering her piggy bank, some books and a pile of jewelry into bed with her, only minutes ago. But when I peek in again and she's out, my soul just melts and I stare in awe at that peaceful little face. I could gaze at my sleeping children at any given time and the same feeling comes over me.

Now to preserve this feeling in my mind & soul, for when my babies are no longer babies...

Little Guy

Note:  The bulk of this blog post was written over a year ago.  The nearly complete draft remained unfinished while I changed diapers and obsessed about day-to-day stuff - most which of I've already forgotten.

We're expecting a son, and with two big sisters eager to show him the sights, it's occurred to me that those sights may not be seen from a typical perspective.  We're raising our girls to be self-respecting individuals who largely ignore traditional gender stereotypes.  This is an ongoing effort, and one on which we're determined to remain focused.  But it isn't easy.  We remind them how smart and strong they are on a regular basis (particularly following another compliment about how beautiful, cute, pretty, or sweet they are).  Sports do not reign in our home, nor do they claim a spot in our cubbies, a channel on our remote, a day on our weekly calendar, or even a post or  tweet on our online personas.

Then they turn on the tv or leave the house and they're bombarded.

Boys play with trucks, they build things.  Girls play with dolls and dress up.  Boys are strong and fast.  Girls are pretty and clean.  Boys run around and throw things.  Girls are "dramatic" (a definition I loathe that makes this a negative thing) and sensitive (again - what in the world is wrong with being sensitive?).

Why so many balls?  There are balls on everything - footballs, soccer balls, baseballs, tennis balls, basketballs.  Boys don't enjoy playing with balls any more than girls, but it's the boys who are funneled into playing sports as soon as they can walk.  Every young child LOVES to play with balls as do many adults - though only a tiny fraction wind up as professional athletes.

Why is it more "natural" for boys to want to hit a ball and girls to want to dance?  Why does our society so vigorously reinforce so many blatant and unproductive conventions?  Why do people hang on to these criteria for boys versus girls, even when they are widely accepted as little more than scientifically unsubstantiated stereotypes?

I literally want to yell -  "Don't tell me exactly how my boy will be different from my girls!!!" (and for goodness sakes, don't say boys will be boys).

We're not going to have a linebacker, or little champ, let alone a Hero.  at first he'll be a baby, and he'll live under the rule of his big sisters for years (probably his whole life).  But the inability to drive a tank, tractor or monster truck will not mean he's not typical.

In fact, I can't wait to see how he joins his sisters - how he emulates and opposes them.  What a wonderful thing to watch my children welcome a new baby, and to watch my new baby meet my children!

The masculine and feminine qualities of my kids - and all children - are varied in a random, untraceable way.  I will do my best not to label them, nor look for them to be typical in any way.  The most important thing is to let them be themselves.  I want to raise them to have high expectations for their own lives - whatever they are - rather than live up to my expectations.

PART II

My son is 17 months old now.  He seeks his sisters out at every opportunity, and plays on his own with equal enthusiasm.

He's got a powerful kick, particularly when he's not wearing princess shoes - a favorite of his - from one of our costume bins.

Seeing our children play together is such a wonderful thing.  Imagining them as adults, years from now, still close, is one of my greatest hopes.

Keep Joy In Your Heart

I once knew an old man named Norris.  He signed every letter and card that he wrote with the same words:  Keep joy in your heart.

It's a simple saying, easy to remember - almost obvious.  But I always just equated it to Norris and his gentle-old-man ways.  I didn't apply it to the world as a whole, I just attached it to him and how I thought of him -  and, eventually, how I remembered him.

He passed away some time ago, and I find the phrase popping into my mind now and again.

Recently I received some very sad news about the untimely death of a loving woman who taught both of our daughters.  We weren't exceptionally close, but she was with our little girls in preschool for at least 3 days a week.  She was a significant, caring adult in their lives.

It's natural to be drawn into the sorrowful aspects of these tragic situations.  And it's times like these when it's not easy to keep joy in your heart.

So how does one do it, when its so easy to be burdened by something or other - the constant availability of bad news?

I know one way.  Spend time with a child.  They're not weighed down by regret or fear.  They're not suspicious or disappointed.  They're in tune with the magic of being alive. They have joy in their hearts.

My friend Norris knew enough to remind himself and those around him, as we grew older.  Whatever you're doing, whatever happens - Keep joy in your heart...

Some Days... You Don't Get To Think (and thank goodness for that!)

Most of my time today has been spent working on a fort and doing laundry.  The lamp and CD player only got knocked down twice, but that was far overshadowed by the general screaming and banging that's accompanied the goings on around here.  I keep trying to sit down and write something or read something - one thing!

Some days you just leap from one rock to the next, trying not to drop whatever you're holding.  You don't get to sit down, and you don't get to think.  But, you get kids - living the moment, and suffering no thoughts of the past or future.

...Drink from that fountain for a long as it lasts  (then hopefully you can survive on that until the grandchildren arrive).  :-)

A Room For Toys

Visitor:  What's this room for?
Owner:  This is the playroom.  We keep all the children's toys in here.
Visitor:  So they only play in here?
Owner:  No, they can play pretty much anywhere
Visitor:  But the toys have to stay in there?
Owner:  No, they can take the toys out.
Visitor:  But then they bring them back here.
Owner:  Yes.
Visitor:  So, they can't put them in their room?
Owner:  They could.
Visitor:  But they don't keep them in there.
Owner:  No, this room is for their toys.
Visitor:  But they each have their own room?
Owner:  Yes.  They sleep in their bedrooms,
Visitor:  But they could keep the toys in the closet.
Owner:  That's where their clothes are.
Visitor:  So, you just like to keep their toys in the one room?
Owner:  Yes.  It's organized that way.
Visitor:  What are you going to do when they don't play with the toys anymore?
Owner:  Probably turn this into a craft room...   or maybe scrapbooking...
Visitor:  Can I live here?
Owner:  I don't understand.

The Truth is Still Out There...But Can We See It?

We're always saying "Don't judge a book by its cover" - But, let's be honest.  Nobody has that kind of time.  Even people with time on their hands don't have time to conduct a thorough examination before choosing a book.  Or a meal, or a friend for that matter.  If someone recommends a book, or a meal or a friend, that's fine.  That fits into our busy schedule.  Otherwise, we're going with first impressions.  We're judging books, meals, friends, and everything else, by how they look.  I'm taking a risk here and saying that people with less than  perfect vision have a clear advantage;  the less perfect, the bigger the advantage.

Does it make me a bad person, judging things by the way they appear?  The answer is, yes - sometimes.  Basically, I'm just too damn dependent on my eyesight.  I'm imagining a market for glasses that make things look soft, blurry, fuzzy, hazy, jagged.  Maybe they could help us treat one another more gently at the outset...

Your Kids Know Better Than You

Thinking about the future?  Your kids aren't.  No sir, no wasting time on  stuff that doesn't exist yet. They are working hard on right now.  So what if that work involves running back and forth from the living room to the kitchen screaming "Don't punch my butt!"  The point is they know how to keep busy with whatever is happening right around them.

I think this is a form of wisdom.  Maybe it's also a form of survival.  They don't need to be globally connected.  They're plugged into the moment.

A nice thing is, that if you're there with them, you too can benefit from their wisdom.  I highly recommend this.  Get sucked into games with young children.  That is the real world for them, and they're happy to have you join them there.

There's nothing like it.  And it's that feeling that makes me sad, when I think about my kids growing up and unplugging from the magic and beauty of this present moment.

Give Them What They Want

This is for those of us who struggle daily with the desire to give our children whatever they want, even though they don't always deserve it, and even though they won't be duly grateful.  We're screwed, we're stuck - because this isn't going away.

We know they must learn patience, humility, cooperation, ...reality.  But sometimes we just want to give them stuff.  We are hip to the dangers of instant gratification.  We understand that, as adults, they will have to pick and choose among that which is available to to them.  Why is it, then, that we can have such a hard time resisting the urge to just say "Here." - "Here you go.  Take it.  You can have it."?

I decided to take it easy on myself and not feel guilty whenever I do give in and give my kids the thing they haven't earned or don't necessarily deserve.

I'll try to be wise and mature and hold back the constant urge to make them happy.  But sometimes, I'm just going to give them what they want.  After all, I can use a little instant gratification myself once in a while.  :-)

The Most Selfish

Having a child is the closest you can come to owning another person.  It's the most selfish thing you could possibly do - And there is nothing more wonderful or fulfilling.

What Does It Mean To Forge A Path?

All true progress must be improvisation by nature.  It's impossible to get to a new place by following an old  path.

Sometimes Love is Gross - Got a Problem With That?

If there's one thing I've learned as a 49 year-old dad, it's that your children don't believe in wear and tear.   They'll do everything in their power to wear you down physically and mentally (and that's without even trying!).

I've been forty-nine for just about one whole day, so far.  Luckily only two of my three children are sick with strep and rashes and buckets of phlegm, and the rest of us are a single snot-face away from pure exhaustion.  I know you don't want to hear about this stuff, so I'll continue...

By the way,  there are actually more things that I've learned...  I now know that it's perfectly fine to walk around with the crusty remains of god-knows-what on your sleeve, especially when you have more children than you have arms.  Also, once you've achieved a certain level of intimacy while caring for a baby as they grow into a child, things that once seemed gross don't even make you flinch.

"Your daughter just smeared snot all over your pants."  That's okay.  "There's vomit on you, honey."  So what.  "There's a wet spot on your shirt."  Who cares.  "You smell like poop." And?    - Seriously, I'm not exaggerating.

The truth is - when you love someone this much - they could literally hand you a mouth-full of slimy, chewed-up food (it's happened more times than I can count), and you'd accept it the same way you would if it were a handful of change at the checkout counter.

Love may stink - but if it's yours, you'll walk around with it on you all day.