This is a big change in your life and things will NEVER go back to the way they were. Think of high school graduation, or college graduation. You are now graduating to parenthood. You will still be able to do the things you want to do, you just won't have as much time. You are a parent first, and it's best to consider this a privilege - rather than a reason to be bitter. You will be tired, exhausted, frustrated, annoyed, confused - but any time you drift towards sadness or bitterness, PICK UP THAT BABY and drink in the warmth. Or if she is sleeping, go stare at her - this can only make you feel better. Remember, many people never have the opportunity to become parents. They will never know exactly what they're missing (and you won't be able to explain it to them). It's better that way. You're part of an exclusive group, although there's no need to brag (Recall the secret pride you felt while being in public after having had sex for the first time? You're not going to shout it out, but you're different now). Embrace this as your new normal, and trust that it will be SO worth it.
Do not think of yourself as the secondary caregiver. If you must, think of yourself as the second PRIMARY caregiver. Start right out as if you can handle everything. Don't get in the habit of handing your baby over, just because mommy knows best - even if you're certain that she does. You need to learn how to do everything. The fact is, there is only one thing mommy can do that you can't (btw - Mom's success at breastfeeding will depend up to 90% on YOUR support and encouragement). You can and should do everything else as frequently as possible so that you become comfortable. Remember, no parent is an expert with their first baby. Still, you are neither a substitute, nor a babysitter. You share first responder status with the mom. Feel free to seek advice, but don't let anyone else tell you what to do, - this includes other parents, relatives, doctors, or any so-called "experts." From the moment your baby is born, YOU are the expert wherever she is concerned.
Break the mold of the long out-dated dad stereotype. George Banks (Jane & Michael's father in Mary Poppins) is the exact opposite of the dad you need to be. Let's not feed the stereotype of the "Idiot Dad" either. Whenever I see that role portrayed on TV - especially referring to the fathers in the U.S. - it pisses me off. Unlike many lame dads in the past, most of us actually enjoy time with our children, and we want to do better. After all, we are not just "sponsoring" our wives and partners. We are part of the family. Acting as if you don't know what to do with your own child may be tempting, but it's inadequate at best and ultimately of no help to your baby. Tell your baby, you are there to take care of him. When your baby hears you say it, you will hear it too. It will become more true everyday. You'll never be a "perfect" parent. I've been a dad for over 6 years, and it's still common for me to have no idea what to do. This is as it should be. John Wilmot said "Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories." That was over 300 years ago, and it still holds up. You simply try stuff until something works, and don't be so naive to think the same things always work. Also, the "thing" you try mustn't always be letting mom take care of it. You should be taking turns to in order to share the exhaustion.
Taking turns is the mark of practical parenting (assuming there is more than one parent), because one of you shouldering too much responsibility is bound to create distance and resentment, - both of which the baby will pick up on. Your baby should not be in crisis because there is only one human being who can truly care for her. I say this with a clear recollection of how my wife ALWAYS seemed to know better than I with our first child, and still does now - with our third. Most of that is simply a matter of self-confidence. You deserve the confidence to know that your love for your child is enough to ensure that she gets what she needs. It is not clinical expertise that cares for babies in the middle of the night when we wish we were sleeping, it is a loving mommy or daddy. When the source of baby's incessant crying remains a mystery even after calling the doctor, it is your love that keeps you focused on nurturing your little one. And it becomes so reassuring to be able to collapse on your pillow, when you know your baby is being taken care of by your equal partner. In our case, our consistant willingness to handover that parental responsibility, is a mark of the growth of our own connection as partners. We are closer to each other, we are better friends and better communicators because of how we share the parenting.
It is so hard being a dad, and I love it so much. Don't get me wrong, I complain - but I also listen to my wife complain, so it balances out. We're also human, we even complain to our own kids about how hard it is to be a parent. We don't always say the right things, but we try to make a point of telling our kids how good they are and how much we love them. Apparently we've done this enough, that when we've fallen asleep while on duty, nothing horrible has happened.
Of course, if you do fall asleep with a baby, the baby will wake you up. Babies are born with survival skills - or at least skills that allow the baby to remind you to help them survive. It really is amazing how much parenting instinct you have, if only you allow yourself to recognize it and act on it, rather than mistake your nervousness for incompetence. I like to remind myself out loud to my child, that I'm his dad, and I'll always take good care of him. This also helps reinforce my status in my own mind, as primary caregiver and confident parent. I recall sitting in the large, bench-style backseat of our station wagon. I could only see part of the side of my dad's face from behind as he drove along the highway on long trips. I'd half wake-up from a road-induced nap just long enough to squint and barely make out a fourth of my dad's face. Now I'm the one driving. I'm the one quarter of a face they can see. I think about that while I'm driving and I'm reminded how much I LOVE this new role.
I honestly didn't expect parenting to be so time consuming. My wife and I marvel at how much time it takes just to care for one child. We often wonder what did we do with ALL that extra time before we had children. When we had our second child, we wondered what we did with our extra time when we only had one. Note to self: Learn your lesson and don't keep attempting to explain this and other childrearing phenomena to your friends who don't have children of their own. As well as they may know you and love you and your children, they cannot understand your new life - even if they spend a whole day or weekend with you. They may achieve a greater understanding than some, but until the responsibility of caring for a child rests squarely upon one's own shoulders, they simply cannot comprehend what you do (even a picture of you buried in parental responsibilities can't portray more than an inkling of what it feels like to truly be a dad).
I know I shouldn't be surprised to learn this, but what is even more surprising is how much I love being a father compared to how much I THOUGHT I loved being a kid. It is literally so fulfilling that you're happy and willing to be at the beckon call of everyone in your family, even with no end/rest in sight. The knowledge that your kids are growing older and may one day not need you is enough to motivate you to enjoy every little thing about them as little kids - even in their most annoying states/stages.
It will never be easy to be a good father, but it will become second nature to be a primary caregiver - as long as you insist on truly fulfilling that role. Take your baby eagerly into your arms, even (or perhaps especially) when you don't know how you're about to calm her down and make her happy. Trusting yourself is an essential first step in being a full-fledged parent. Don't let yourself down by thinking that you're not doing as good of a job as you could be if you were one of those parents who just seems to be naturally good at it. Really good parenting is one of those skills that you can't possess naturally until you've learned the ropes by failing on the job. You can't practice parenting with someone else's kids. You may be able to improve your diapering skills on someone else's baby, but that is no substitute for the 24 hour on-call ultimate love service that your baby requires from you.
The great thing is that you get to enjoy your child's childhood more than you did your own childhood, because you realize what's going on. You know that these are your kid's good-old-days while they are actually living them. They may be happy, but they haven't the benefit of the concept of time that you do. You get to see the future and the past at the same time. Even though it's their past and your future - you are privileged to experience them at once. In this way, you are privy to that magical sense of fulfillment that comes with the perspective of a parent.
Any time you have the opportunity to compliment a parent, do it. If they don't happen to deserve it at that moment, they will ...and they did. It takes all you have to be a good parent. It's your life's work, and it's the most gloriously rewarding occupation - regardless of what else you accomplish. Don't make the mistake of withdrawing - even in the slightest way - because you lack the confidence. Do it now, you can always figure it out later.
Here's to you, Dad. And remember; there's no substitute for the real thing.
Thanks for this, I needed some reassurance today.
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