Blow This Up

I was standing in the kitchen washing last night's dishes when my  six-year-old held up an uninflated turquoise balloon and said "Daddy, can you please blow this up?"  "There's things in there, said my 3-year-old," who stood beside her.  I turned the water off, wiped my hands and took the balloon.  I could feel some tiny trinkets in the limp balloon and thought - What the heck!  "Sure sweetheart," I said -  and began blowing.  After about six or seven breaths, she said "That's big enough Daddy."  I gave it one more big breath, then tied it off.  I handed her the balloon and she held it for about one second before it popped.  She jumped and the small plastic things showered onto the floor around her. I kneeled to help retrieve the treasure, and found myself staring at an assortment of these...

That was fun.

I Saw an Old Man Walking into the Supermarket

I'm sad that the people - whom I respected and loved, and whose company I enjoyed while I was young - are now senile or dead.  It's truly disappointing that I can't talk to them now that I've grown up.  I wish I could talk to them now...

32 Questions I asked Daddy: By Zoe

INTERVIEW SOMEONE YOU LOVE ABOUT LIFE

Questions from Brendon Burchard

1. What comes to mind when you think about growing up in your hometown?

Dad: Riding my bike to school.  Walking down to Baskin Robbins to get ice cream and taking the short cut by Tilly's Pond.
Mom:  We moved to Coral Springs just before I turned 8.  Before that we were in Swampscott, MA-- we moved there when my mom got married to Joel when I was 3.  I remember playing in the backyard in Swampscott and being too afraid to learn to ride a bike-- the house was at the top of a very, very steep hill.   In Coral Springs, I think about the mall.  That was the biggest hangout--and all but one of my high school jobs were there.

2. What did you love to do as a kid, before high school?
Dad: Read and ride my bike all around town. (Darien, CT)
Mom:Hang out with my friends at their houses, especially at Rachel's house because her mom always had amazing snacks and I loved Rachel's room.

3. What did you love to do in high school?
Dad:  Hang out with my friends, play the piano, write poems.  My year in Germany I loved to play soccer and hang out with my German friends.
Mom:  Drama club, drama club, drama club.  All my friends were in Drama Club, love interests all in drama club... we'd hang out on the weekends and play improv games.

4. What do remember most about your teenage years?
Dad: I liked laughing and having fun and being outside.
Mom:  Performing and pursuing boys.

5. What do you remember most about your mom?
Dad: She always liked trying to make different kinds of food.  She was always inviting people over.
Mom:  She always was happy to have all my friends over.  She didn't mind if we were loud even late into the night.  She would sometimes be silly and she was always involved with Drama Club, usually selling tickets at the booth-- she came to every performance.

6. What was most important to her?
Dad: Making sure we had fun and did things together.
Mom:  As she said, being "a lady".

7. What do you remember most about your dad?
Dad: He was very hard working and he always got up early.
Mom:  Well, I only met him once when I was 16, but the impression I got was that he was arrogant and not very smart.  I remember thinking, "Thank god my mom didn't marry this dude."

8. What was most important to him?
Dad: Treating people with respect.
Mom:  No idea. Football, maybe? His 4 sons all went into football.

9. If your parents had a message to you and their grandchildren, what do you think it is?
Dad: Work hard and play hard.
Mom:  Hmm... good question.  Maybe "Work hard and say please & thank you."

10. How did you meet mommy/daddy and know s/he was the one?
Dad:  She was introduced to me by a friend (Ray) and we had really awesome conversations, that's how I knew.
Mom:  I was working on the ship (Voyager) and Ray told me I was like the female version of his friend Seth.  He put me on the phone with him one day in port and I left a voicemail.  Then Seth called me in my cabin and we talked for 4 hours.  (July 2003)  I knew he was the one, because at a certain point I realized he was the only male I'd ever met who thought I was really funny AND sexy.   It has always been either/or.  He really saw me.  (He also wasn't rattled by me-- he was super smart and sharp and I didn't have to go easy on him). :)

11. How did you choose your career and what was your favorite part about it?
Dad: I decided to do what I'm best at.  Favorite part is working with other people.
Mom:  I decided to do the one thing I knew I was really good at-- performing.  Ultimately, I realized the lifestyle of depending on other people to hire me every 6 months did not fit with my personality and made me feel anxious, so being my own boss is my favorite way to do this.  My fav part if I'm honest is getting a good authentic laugh from the audience.

12. What made you successful at work?
Dad: Not giving up, even when it's inconvenient.
Mom:  Always trying again and NOT aiming for perfection.  Aiming for perfection means nothing gets done.

13. What did you believe about yourself that helped you become successful and deal with hard times?
Dad:  That nothing is so bad I couldn't overcome it.
Mom:  I am one of the most resourceful people I know.  If there is something I need, I will find a way to get it using what I know or what I have to work with.  I plan ahead, I'm flexible, and I do believe that if I come across an obstacle, ultimately the universe is just blocking a path I am not supposed to go down.  I try to repeat the mantra "The universe is always conspiring in my favor."  One example of this is that had I got my dream job (which I auditioned for three different times) the first time, I would have met Daddy because he was on the ship then. But, at that time,  I was in the middle of a rocky relationship and so was he--the timing would have been bad... but by the time I got the job, I was out of that relationship, got to learn the job without him there--and then meet him a  few months later.

14. What times in your life truly “tested your mettle,” and what did you learn about yourself by dealing (or not dealing) with them?
Dad:  Having children made the military look like a cakewalk.  I learned if I didn't give up I could do things I previously thought only some people could do.
Mom:  All 3 of my labors/births.  I learned that being scared or in pain isn't a litmus test of whether I can or cannot do something.  Also financially hard/scary times-- I learned nothing is permanent and as long as you keep taking action steps you can move forward.

15. What three events most shaped your life?

Dad:  1.  Birth of my children  2.  Quitting college (Ohio Univ)  3.  Moving to Pittsburgh
Mom: 1.  Going to Penn State   2.    Meeting daddy     3.  Becoming a mother

16. What do you remember about when each of us was born?
Dad:  What mom said below.
Mom:  Oy!  Everything!  Go read each of your birth stories taped inside your baby books!  Daddy's thoughts are there, too!  But as a teaser: Zoe's red hair really surprised us, I was in a blissed out state after Teagan was born, and Richmond took soooooooooo long.

17. Were you ever scared to be a parent?
Dad: No, not scared.  I'm very rarely scared.
Mom:  No.  Maybe anxious, but not scared.

18. What three words would you say represented your approach to parenting and why?
Dad:  Patience.  Sacrifice. Love.
Mom:  Follow your gut.  When I was pregnant with Zoe, someone said "Read everything you can on birth and parenting, then follow your gut."  Best advice ever.  It's really good to have all the info.  But, then just go with your gut.  Daddy and I weren't into childproofing-- it was fine.  We co-slept-- and everyone eventually made it back to their own bed.  We foster more independence, less extracurricular activities than the norm--- and I really like how our kids are turning out-- so-- do what works for your family!

19. When you think about [sibling] how would you describe him?
Dad and Mom both said this was a weird question to answer.

20. What message do you have for the siblings that you want him to always keep in mind?

Dad & Mom: Stay close always!!!!  Please!  Be best friends!  Take care of each other.

21. When you think about [spouse], how would you describe her/him?

Dad:  Emily is full of love for her family and friends.  She is an amazing organizer and planner and she always makes sure everyone gets taken care of.

Mom: Seth is super secure in who he is, I really admire it. And it is almost impossible to embarrass him.  He is terrific with people, he is never uncomfortable.  And he is my rock.

22. What message do you have for [spouse] that you want her/him to always keep in mind?
Mom:  You are my favorite person in the world.  I admire who you are (even if you go slow). ;)
Dad:  I always want to be close to you.  You are so smart and funny and talented, and I would mope around the world without you.

23. What three words would you say best describe who you tried to be in life and how you want to be remembered?

Dad:  Kind, Funny, Weird (in no particular order)

Mom: Oy, 3 words to be remembered? I don't know... I'd love to be able to say kind, but I'm working on that.  I suppose 3 realistic words would be resourceful, loyal, and authentic.

24. When they think about their careers, what do you want your children to focus on?

Dad:  Whatever you work at doing/being,  - work hard, authentically, and keep up a constant conversation with others.  If it doesn't feel right - Don't wait for a "good time" to change your course.

Mom:  Try to work at something that doesn't feel like work. That doesn't mean "be happy" or "do what you're good at" necessarily. I'm good at plenty of things I don't enjoy.  But what is your perspective and expertise that is unique that the world needs?  What feels like your authentic place in the world?

25. What have you learned about other people in life? 
Mom:  Everyone has their own baggage.  I've learned that I have the best chance of connecting to someone by opening up and being my authentic self.
Dad:  Everyone needs love.  Be a good listener, and offer your best self to others.  Unless you're trying to avoid them, in which case do so completely.  It never feels good being a fake.

26. What do you think the world needs more of right now?

Dad:  (Love in the form of...) Cooperation.  Since the beginning of time, we lose what we don't work together to preserve, protect and enjoy.

Mom: Well, I'm cheating because I just saw is fabulous video called the adaptable mind..l and I'd agree with that video, we need: curiosity, creativity, initiative, multi-disciplinary thinking, and empathy. Empathy most of all.

27. What do you believe people want the most in life?

Dad:  Someone to share things with.

Mom: Love and validation.

28. What were the three best decisions you’ve ever made?

Dad:  Marrying Emily, dropping out of graduate school at Pitt (to pursue alternate studies), quitting my full-time teaching position at Manchester Elementary.

Mom: see number 15. :)

29. What are you most proud of in life?
Dad:  All 3 Children - Really our whole family,  Showing people the real me,  figuring out what I'm best at (trying to do ONLY/MOSTLY that is my current challenge).
Mom:  The family I've created with daddy.  Inwardly, I'm proud of my authenticity and resourcefulness.

30. What were five of the most positive moments of your life?
Dad:  Are you crazy?  That's a whole novel, or graduate study, or anything way bigger than one question on a list of 32.  Let's see - Birth of my children - that's 1, 2, 3.  Nothing comes close to that, but it was amazing to train and perform with Cirque du Soleil.  Starting BFTC, our theatre company will beget many more positive moments i'm sure.  I can't scan and categorize moments like that, it seems unnatural and dumb.
Mom:  This is too many questions, and I even LIKE questions!  We just saw the movie "Inside Out"... this makes me think of "core memories"... I'd say a huge shining moment for me was April 20, 2002 when I performed my one-woman Cabaret.  I worked very hard on that and I think it paid off and I got a wonderful response.  Another way completing our first show with our theatre company Bona Fide Theatre Company)... we produced it, I co-directed it, starred in it, marketed it--all with a 6 month old baby... it was a lot of work, but again--got an amazing response and showed me we can do anything.  And I'd say finding out we were pregnant each time was very positive and thrilling.  I also have special moment with my children all the time.

31. What message would you like to share with your family?
Dad:  You are the most vital thing to me (THE thing to cherish & protect).  I want to be with you above all else.  You are my home.
Mom:  That they sustain me.  That I love them and need them more than they can know, and I know I need to work on compassion, so thanks for loving me despite my crap. ;)  You guys are the best.

32. What are you most thankful for?
Dad:  Emily, Zoe, Teagan, Richmond.  The opportunity to be & experience life together.  The awareness that everything I want and strive for - I want to together with my family.
Mom:  Truly, Seth and my kids. My family.  I've wanted to build an awesome family like this since I was a little girl and it's amazing to be living in it.

Guy Boy

It's the end of October, and two of my children are wearing costumes from stories that were first told years before they were born (Dorothy/Wizard of Oz & Childlike Empress/The Neverending Story).  I don't know why it works so well - but it really makes those stories new for me too.  Or at least it dusts them off and makes them seem fresh.  I think it's their perspective.  When they ask about the Munchkins, it really works to make that story new.  I can't answer most of their questions because none of them are answered in the story.  Who the hell knows anything about those people and their little land.  They are a completely unexplained phenomenon.  The Munchkins are a land of scenery come to life.  Every little aspect of them and their world is startling and unexplained and, well - basically alien.  The Munchkins are alien.  I guess this explains why stories with aliens are so intriguing.  The more unanswered questions, the better.

Unanswered questions fill the world of children.  Somehow this makes it a magical place to be, and I love joining my kids there.  Sometimes it seems like many of the things they ask are existential and perhaps unanswerable.  I love that this can be comforting to me, when it could go the other way for adults.  If adults can't answer a question, we're stuck.  We need to know stuff.  But we just can't know everything.  There's a ton of stuff that we will never know.  I want to feel comfortable with that.  I don't know, I won't know, let it go...

Oh, my other child is wearing a superhero costume he/we made up.  He's got a blue t-shirt, red tights with Thomas The Train underwear pulled up over the outside, and a blue magician's cape with yellow moons and stars.  On the t-shirt in big white letters is his name:  GUY BOY!

What Do I Do Now?

My son is starting to speak.  He is starting to point and ask for things.  He is telling us what he wants. It was exciting and precious with our first child, but with our third - and last - it feels sad.

Why can't he just look at us and smile?  Or cry?  Why can't he just wander around the house and pick things up and move them from place to place, without narrating the process?  I want to have to guess his needs and what's going on with him.  I don't want him to tell me.  Because, if he tells me, I'll know.  And that will be that.

Why can't he just moan abstractly, and whine?  Why can't he just stare?  Must he vocalize with logical inflection to indicate whether he's telling or asking?  Why doesn't he just fling things in frustration?  Why does he have to try to say our names?  Isn't it enough for him to just have his basic needs fulfilled?  Must he express himself to the closest shade of meaning he can manage?  Why?

I know why.  He's like me.  He wants to tell me stuff.  He wants to ask me.  He needs to communicate.

Now he's like me.  So, tell me - What do I do now?

While They Lay Sleeping...

Look at the face of your sleeping child and marvel at how much you love this precious thing. Why do we ache with love for them - particularly when they're asleep?

I may have been clenching my teeth and reprimanding her for gathering her piggy bank, some books and a pile of jewelry into bed with her, only minutes ago. But when I peek in again and she's out, my soul just melts and I stare in awe at that peaceful little face. I could gaze at my sleeping children at any given time and the same feeling comes over me.

Now to preserve this feeling in my mind & soul, for when my babies are no longer babies...

Little Guy

Note:  The bulk of this blog post was written over a year ago.  The nearly complete draft remained unfinished while I changed diapers and obsessed about day-to-day stuff - most which of I've already forgotten.

We're expecting a son, and with two big sisters eager to show him the sights, it's occurred to me that those sights may not be seen from a typical perspective.  We're raising our girls to be self-respecting individuals who largely ignore traditional gender stereotypes.  This is an ongoing effort, and one on which we're determined to remain focused.  But it isn't easy.  We remind them how smart and strong they are on a regular basis (particularly following another compliment about how beautiful, cute, pretty, or sweet they are).  Sports do not reign in our home, nor do they claim a spot in our cubbies, a channel on our remote, a day on our weekly calendar, or even a post or  tweet on our online personas.

Then they turn on the tv or leave the house and they're bombarded.

Boys play with trucks, they build things.  Girls play with dolls and dress up.  Boys are strong and fast.  Girls are pretty and clean.  Boys run around and throw things.  Girls are "dramatic" (a definition I loathe that makes this a negative thing) and sensitive (again - what in the world is wrong with being sensitive?).

Why so many balls?  There are balls on everything - footballs, soccer balls, baseballs, tennis balls, basketballs.  Boys don't enjoy playing with balls any more than girls, but it's the boys who are funneled into playing sports as soon as they can walk.  Every young child LOVES to play with balls as do many adults - though only a tiny fraction wind up as professional athletes.

Why is it more "natural" for boys to want to hit a ball and girls to want to dance?  Why does our society so vigorously reinforce so many blatant and unproductive conventions?  Why do people hang on to these criteria for boys versus girls, even when they are widely accepted as little more than scientifically unsubstantiated stereotypes?

I literally want to yell -  "Don't tell me exactly how my boy will be different from my girls!!!" (and for goodness sakes, don't say boys will be boys).

We're not going to have a linebacker, or little champ, let alone a Hero.  at first he'll be a baby, and he'll live under the rule of his big sisters for years (probably his whole life).  But the inability to drive a tank, tractor or monster truck will not mean he's not typical.

In fact, I can't wait to see how he joins his sisters - how he emulates and opposes them.  What a wonderful thing to watch my children welcome a new baby, and to watch my new baby meet my children!

The masculine and feminine qualities of my kids - and all children - are varied in a random, untraceable way.  I will do my best not to label them, nor look for them to be typical in any way.  The most important thing is to let them be themselves.  I want to raise them to have high expectations for their own lives - whatever they are - rather than live up to my expectations.

PART II

My son is 17 months old now.  He seeks his sisters out at every opportunity, and plays on his own with equal enthusiasm.

He's got a powerful kick, particularly when he's not wearing princess shoes - a favorite of his - from one of our costume bins.

Seeing our children play together is such a wonderful thing.  Imagining them as adults, years from now, still close, is one of my greatest hopes.